My beef with writing
finding a balance between service and joy
When writers stop writing it’s easy to assume writers block. However, fear of the blank page has not been the problem for me, rather its been over a year fighting an internal crisis of how best to serve society. I began writing professionally in 2008 and was motivated by the desire to change minds and hearts of the masses - perhaps with good intentions, but ignorant of the arrogance in my assumption that I knew better than most people about things. Last year, I changed direction, seeking to continue writing but no longer motivated by the desire to persuade others. This left me with primarily sharing my own experiences through blogging. But when the year drew to a close, I decided my writing was serving myself more than it was truly serving society and I decided to stop.
As much as I enjoy writing and appreciate the positive feedback I receive from many readers, I’ve had a lingering sense of guilt. When I made the decision to start writing in 2008, it was with the intention of leaving my career in corporate America (which didn’t actually happen until 2018). I wanted to devote my life to making the world better than I found it, rather than being complicit in the inherent exploitation of American corporate capitalism. Thinly veiled preaching about addiction and materialism is what resulted in my first novel.
This year, when I put down my pen, I started volunteering with some non-profits. I have spent a lot of my time on the phone providing legal assistance to people facing eviction and homelessness, trying to keep them housed. I’ve also been working with immigrants to help them find jobs. Both opportunities have been incredibly meaningful for me and given me the sense of having a direct impact on society that I never got from writing.
Who has time to read a novel when they are not sure how to keep food on the table or a roof over the heads of their children? Sadly, this is the situation that thousands of my neighbors in King County are living in.
But that’s not the end of the story, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this post. As rewarding as I find direct service to be, it is also incredibly draining. I find myself in tears after at least one phone call every shift. I speak with many people in disasters not of their own making, but that they are fighting with their lives to overcome - almost all of them are not white. We live amidst tremendous injustice and I have been fortunate to receive the long end of the stick. I’m not denying the work I put into achieving many of my accomplishments, but I’m also not denying the privilege and luck that helped me along the way. It’s not my fault the system is unfair, but how can I see the immense suffering and not lend a hand?
Yet, I am drained. Sometimes I dread starting another shift. I’m surprised I have lasted this long and that’s only because I have reduced my weekly volunteer hours over the past month. I am of service, but I don’t get any joy from it. I get a deep sense of meaning and purpose, but I miss the opportunity that writing gave me to celebrate the beauty and insanity of life. Creativity is part of who I am, it’s been my go-to since elementary school.
This has led me to realizing I need both creativity and direct service. I had created a false, idealistic, perfectionist binary telling myself I had to find where I could be most of service and devote all of my time to that thing. By the same token, I told myself if I wasn’t going to give it my all, why give it any? If I was going to write, then I might as well stop volunteering. I never imagined myself capable of doing both things. But maybe it’s possible.
Maybe I can let go of the perfectionism and have a richer life as a result. I’m going to give it a go. I have the time to do both things, which is a privilege I’m tremendously grateful for (but also comes with guilt for not counting myself among the ranks of working folks). I finally have the freedom I dreamed of since I changed my aims in life 16 years ago, now I’m trying to make the best of whatever precious time I have left in this life. So stay tuned for more stories, travelogues and whatever else comes up as I revitalize my rebranded blog. Thanks for joining me on this journey.