August has marked an important turning point in this year’s chapter of my life. Having wrapped up the volunteer commitments I started at the beginning of the year and ready to make some changes, I set off on my summer holiday open to new possibilities before making any decisions about what I would do next. It’s not a typical way of living for me, in the past I have been more spontaneous and focused solely on getting what I wanted, leaving no space for emergent possibilities.
Since leaving France about a year ago, the thought of returning has lingered in my mind. When I visited Paris in January, I even claimed the intention of moving back after the Olympics (ie, right about now). Despite living in my current flat for nearly a year, I have never felt settled and avoided getting involved with anything going on in Seattle. In reality, I think the flat was a safe place to prepare for what I would do next with my life. A year-long pause, albeit peppered with travel and volunteering.
What I learned over that time was not what to do with my life, but a better way of living it. More slowly and more open to what was going on around me, rather than just what was going on in my head. What opportunities were being placed before me and given those, what did I want to commit to next?
Moving to France is possible, but there isn’t very much in my life calling me there. Also, one of my biggest challenges last year was trying to get involved with the French literary scene while only speaking an elementary level of French. If I want to do more than hang out with fellow expats, I need to commit to learning more French.
What happened over the past month that made me decide not to move to France though? An unexpected and rare opportunity to rent a much nicer flat than the one I have now for less than I am paying and in a better part of the city - something I didn’t think was possible a month ago. I’ve enjoyed being closer to my family over the past year and no longer feel like moving away from the US is an urgent necessity. While there is much I dislike about American culture, it’s not as bad as I often convinced myself it was - because there are a lot of good things going on too. I was so busy focused on the things I didn’t like, I lost sight of the things I did - like the vibrant arts, music, theatre and literary scene in Seattle.
So I’ve decided to stay in (well, near) Seattle for the time being, but also make a commitment to improving my French, which will be useful whether I ever move to France or not. I’m now more willing to settle in, fully unpack, and get involved with local arts organizations. I’ve also decided to make my primary commitment going forward to my writing, un-shelving the ‘Marie Rousseau’ manuscript I set aside in 2018 and hopefully completing revisions by the end of this year. I also have a few new projects, including a collection of travel booklets and a play I hope to write next year.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know about my many trepidations with writing in terms of its social impact. What I’ve concluded for the time being is that I want to write to bring joy into people’s lives. I don’t have a social agenda or any expectations of social change resulting from my writing, despite my many social concerns. Instead, I simply hope to be a ray of light, adding to the symphony of so many other creatives with similar aims. Having the chance to attend a plethora of performances by extraordinarily talented artists over the past month has brought this capacity of the arts to the forefront of my mind and convinced me that it is a worthwhile endeavor. I can’t control what’s going on in the world, but I can try to help my fellow travelers on Spaceship Earth enjoy the journey.
With that mindset, I’m prepared to commit myself to writing as my primary occupation. I will still do some volunteering and work on my French too. I haven’t come to this decision lightly, as I have with so many decisions in the past. Unlike the past, I now understand that decisions without commitment are rather meaningless and so I have taken much more time to consider the full scope of what making these commitments means.
The proof will of course be in the pudding and only time will truly tell. Stay tuned and I hope to have new works to share soon. I’m really glad I paused before making these decisions, the opportunities and experiences that presented themselves have showed me that far more is possible than I could ever think up on my own.